October 31, 2013

makes the world taste good

Choosing a candy bar is no small feat. Since it is Halloween (which means tonight I am going to eat my body weight times dos in H-wen candy) I figured I would break down candy bars for you and let you know how your choice in candy bars tells me everything I need to know about you.

Creep. Creep.

During my first week of teaching in Charleston one of my fellow teachers had every child go around and say his or her name and grade (basic, boring schmoring stuff), but then she asked them to tell us their favorite candy bar. Genius. Let me tell you, I knew the 3 girls who said a granola bar was their favorite candy bar (?!) were trouble and guess what? Granola girls are trouble. If only I lived in a world where my brain and body thought granola bars were candy. If. Only. 

Let's start off with a classic.
Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar
Some may say simple is better. When it comes to this simple chocolate bar, I say simple is boring. Yes, the chocolate is okay. Ish. But when I'm craving something chocolatey and ready to kill some hardcore calories, I would much rather reach for something that has more texture or more rich flavors. If Hershey was a richer, darker chocolate, I just might pick it up in a fit of chocolate hunger. Notice I said might. Picking Hershey's as a favorite just tells me that you think being adventurous should be saved for things like being late for an appointment and not for things like the taste of chocolate.

Nestle Crunch
Mmm, there's something just so right about a Crunch bar. It's got the simplicity of the Hershey's nothing-but-chocolate bar, but then adds a kick of something crunchy. A.K.A.- with a dash of somethang funky. Let's not even get started with how Buncha Crunch are the best movie theater snack ever. Good on their own? Check. Good as they get melty in popcorn? Check. Hands down, no competition. That being said, if you pick Crunch as your favorite then I know you probably haven't tried much chocolate in your life and maybe need some serious soul searching when it comes to chocolate. You must be one of those people who likes other candy better than chocolate, right?

Twix kind of gets thrown to the side by it's older brother Snickers and it's younger sister Milky Way. But that's what happens when you're the middle child. You're so good, but so forgotten (kidding, Mom!). I am guilty of forgetting that I actually like Twix. A lot. With a crunchy biscuit on the bottom half and a drizzle of caramel on the top half, it's like your mouth is eating too different things. Two different and very delicious things. Picking Twix as your favorite shows me that you notice and appreciate the smaller things in life. Like middle children.

Who doesn't like Snickers?! And that right there is the issue: who doesn't like Snickers? Everyone loves Snickers (except me, shhh). Remember your mom asking you, Well Little Sally, if everyone jumped off a cliff would you? If Snicks is your favorite than the answer to that question is probably Yes, yes I would jump, Mommy-O. Everyone is doing it, so why not. Everyone is eating it and loving it, so why not. Just know that after you eat it and you jump off that cliff with everyone, you're going to spend your air time picking peanuts outta your teeth. Gross.

Milky Way
Now here is where I turn into the hypocrite (which I am allowed to be. Don't worry, I got permission and everything). I think Hershey's is too simple, while Crunch bar adds the right about of fun to a basic chocolate bar...but then I think a Snickers has too much on the insides and Milky Way's more simplistic insides make it a winner in my book. It doesn't have to make sense--my tastebuds usually don't. It's got the right amount of nougat mixed with the right amount of caramel mixed with the right amount of outside chocolate so when you bite it you get a combination of the 3 textures that is to die for, if I may say so myself. If you like Milky Way, then I know that you like to have fun without going too wild. You also may be kind of a loner because all your friends like Snickers, remember? And as my husband says, Why would you choose a Milky Way?!?! I read somewhere that a Milky Way happens when a 3 Musketeer and a Caramello have a baby. And that right there should be reason enough to not jump off of the Snickers cliff.

Okay okay, I'll stop writing about Milky Ways.
Mostly because I am drooling over here.

Happy Halloween! 
May your night be filled with nothing spooky like granola bars, but only with decedent chocolate. Or other candy if that's your drift. Send your chocolate candy this way if that is you. 


Kayla Peveler said...

You are hilarious. It's funny, up until last year I forgot how much I truly LOVED Twix bars!! I couldn't agree more about the plain ole' Hershey's bar. I can eat it plain, but I'd much rather have a Snickers. Or stick that Hershey in between some graham crackers and melted marshmallow... :) mmm

Alex[andra] said...

I could never forget about Twix! That was my favourite chocolate bar for a long time!

Jess said...

Twix was my favorite when I was a kid..cookies + chocolate, delicious!! I have to disagree about the Hershey's milk chocolate bar, though. I LOVE the taste of just milk chocolate, and breaking off each piece. Also, I'm not a big fan or peanuts or caramel; I know, weird.

Helene in Between said...

ugh granola bars sick. bring on the candy. i love reeses (i know this isnt a candy bar but still)


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