5 Reasons I Would Not Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

This post is in honor of the start of the month of Halloween and my recent viewings of The Walking Dead. Which, by the way, was a show I was never interested in watching. (Even though it is filmed by my hometown! There's your Yippee! Fun Fact of the Day). But then I got married. Then watching shows on Netflix after work became the new married thing to do. Then we ran out of shows and whad'ya know, we started Walking Dead. Then I became enthralled in the OMG I do not want to watch another one of these sad and gross episodes ::clicks the play button while saying that:: kind of way. 

Following?

For the past week as we've plowed through an average of 4ish episodes an evening (embarrassing high five!), I have started to notice certain elements pertaining to living in the zombie time period that would just not mesh with my wants and needs. And yes, my nose was up in the air and my pinky was out and about as I typed that. La te da. 

one.

Nowadays the whole 'no poo' thing is trending and trending hard. I'm over here like no poo fo' you? That means mo' poo for moi, kapeesh? All these zombie killers and survivors on the show are letting their "dirty" manes flow free. Riiiiight, Andrea, cold water and washing your hair once in a blue moon make your curls bouncalicious. My McGreasey washed yesterday locks beg to differ. 

via

Although now that I think about it I guess the moral of the show is...

zombie blood is good for the hair?

That's what I've been getting from it anyways. 

two.

Speaking of blood, I don't do blood. Ya know, like some people don't do camping. Or some people don't do red meat. I don't do blood. I was all about being a doctor for one hot second when I was 3. That's the thing with being 3, you're young and crazy. Once I got older and passed out in blood related incidents (sound creepy much?), I realized the dance world was a much safer haven for my walk in life. I can do bruised toenails and achey feet. Leave the blood for Rick n' Hershel n' them.

 A delusional and young Emily. Good thing there are no zombie teddy bears. Yet. 

three. 

Smells. 

One time when I was a young lass, I would go watch my brother at his T-ball practices. One of the families there had a certain stench, or so I'm told. I was also told that it was is rude to make comments out loud about smelly things around smelly people so I took to making a point of pinching my nose and making a beeline for the other side of the bleachers. All inconspicuous like. There you have it. Rotting, uncleanly, and sweaty smells mean I could only survive by wearing a nose clip permanently. But at least the stench would make my hair look good, right, Andrea?

                                          The only thing I smell like is....manliness. Rawr.                                via

four.

There's a reason Walking Dead season 2 and 3 skipped right over the winter season in the show. Because, realistically, there's no way they would have survived it. I mean, I know it is set in Georgia and I know all of you northerners are like Ohh okay, Miz Hot Pants. Sure, Georgia gets so cold. Wink wink. But it does! I'm already getting cold and crying at the thought of not getting warm again until April! It rarely snows here, true, but it gets right near freezing temps and then just rains and rains and rains. Cold rain?! No. Just no. I need my socks, blanket, long sleeve t-shirt, sweatshirt, leggings, and maybe a pair of baggy sweatpants? Yes, definitely those. I need all of those before I can be set up in the cold. Pretty sure their non-existent zombie apocalypse pre-packed bags didn't come with any of those things. 

Wait, Mr. Zombie, I need to pull the other side of my mitten up so I can get warm so I can get the strength to kill you!

five. 

I love Chapstick. Have you seen those poor zombies' lips? Blood and guts just ain't cutting it as a luscious lip moisturizer. In fact, some of them don't even have lips! Know why? No Chapstick in that post-apocalyptic world. If I was stuck on a deserted island (or in the zombie apocalypse), you better believe I would have Costco size tubs of Chapstick. I have a tube in just about every accessible place. Purse, Dance bag, Car, Medicine cabinet, etc. Rick always wants to know what happens when the ammo is gone? Well I want to know what happens when all the Chapstick is gone??

Crazy fool said what?! No more Chapstick?!

That being said, if I had clean hair and perfume and no blood and hot and cold weather clothes and Chapstick you bet yer bottom dollar I would survive the crap outta the zombie apocalypse

...

Would you?