June 10, 2015

on wearing one's birthday suit

Let's talk about sweat. 
Sweet sweat.
^^^bonus blog points if you can name that movie. 

Back in the ballet days we would sweat a lot. By we, I mean not me. My fellow ballerinas would sweat and their sweat would make the craziest marks on their leotards. My leotard always looked dry and clear. But not my friends'. Nope, their leotards had X-shaped sweat marks in the back, or six pack sweat marks around their abs, and even the ever-so-noticeable under the boob U-shaped sweat marks. Boob sweat, amiright? 

But I had neither boobs nor fun sweat marks. 
Fast forward eleven years and guess what, guys? I sweat now. 
I still don't have boobs, though. Wanh wanh. 

I can hear the thunderous applause--Yay, sweat! Yay, toxins leaving your body! 

But the things is...I don't want to sweat. I don't want to stand up from a nice Sunday brunch and have sweat lines and marks all over my dress. I don't want to look like I wet my pants/dress. I don't want to be sticky all day. 

^^^yes, that was my Sunday.

Texas doesn't care about all those I don't's. Texas doesn't care that you feel like you are dying when you are outside. Texas doesn't care if you hide in the shade, because you will still feel like you are dying. Texas doesn't care that it's only June 10. Texas doesn't care that come mid-August you really will be dead from the heat. 

I can take all the humidity in the world, but the heat...it's hot. No joke. 

So I've compiled four sure-fire ways to survive the Texas heat.

one
Always be within a five foot radius of a pool. Always. Can your bathing suit bottom double as a diaper because you are not leaving this pool's side. I suggest packing snacks, but you should make sure your location also has grills within the required five foot radius. But don't stand too close to the grills because guess what? They're hot, too. <<life lessons from Emily. You're welcome. You are going to sleep, eat, breathe, and survive here until the cooler 80 degree temperatures come. 

two
Carry around something with which to wipe your face. I'm not talking about a cute lil' hanky. I'm talking about a full length, heavy duty towel (or two). Because your face will drench the towel after a few hours. Because your face will literally be dripping in sweat. Dripping in sweat. Have you heard that expression? Yes? I bet it derived here in the hot as h*ll lands of Texas. 

three
Liquids. Drink them. I'm not even going to give a spiel about water because I want you drinking anything that is liquid. That pool water you're living by? Drink it. That condensation on your cup of an actual drink? Lick it off. Get that water. Leftover beers from the party at your new home pool party. Drink it all. You'll be sweating out all the bad stuff so who even cares. Drink. It. All. 

four
Forget clothes. Maybe even forget bathing suits. Heck, spend your time in your birthday suit! Trust me, you might even want to rip off your birthday suit after some time in the sun. There is no cooling down. There is definitely no options for clothes that will cool you down. You will be hot in everything you wear. So forego wearing anything! You came into this world in your birthday suit so you should definitely survive the long, hot summers in your birthday suit and your birthday suit only. 


Obviously I say all most of this in jest. As in, I won't be drinking pool water...yet. And I probably will be wearing clothes this summer. Wink. But serious moment now: 
how do you survive the summer heat?

7 comments:

Veronica Lee Burns said...

Haha this is great! Gotta love the Texas heat, oh how I somewhat miss my Houston humid days.. Somewhat. I survived with tanks and shorts and yes literally swimming often ( thanks parents for having a pool in our backyard) but I was also a teenager soon I never wore nice outfits or work clothes ( except maybe on Sunday's but as soon as we were home it was into the pool we went!)

Mattie @ Northwest Native said...

When I was little I remember seeing my dad and people on TV with their shirts drenched in sweat when they worked out. I wanted to be able to do that SO BADLY (since children are little freaks who can run around for hours in the heat and not sweat through clothing). Now that I drip sweat when I workout I realize just how stupid I was as a child.

Erin LFF said...

Ok movie quote twins today- holla! But I don't know what yours is from!!? I forfeit my bonus blog points and I'm requesting the answer! ;) I cannot imagine how hot it gets in Texas- Ohio summers can be brutal and I whine about those HA! Never again! Stay cool!

Kodi Jensen said...

I survive the summer heat by living in Wisconsin, haha.

Kayla MKOY said...

I don't think I could handle TX summers! Go you! ;) I'd live in the pool!!!

Kristen @ See You In A Porridge said...

i am so jealous of the heat. i wish i lived somewhere hotter! i love being hot, i love sweating. i know, i'm weird. my husband hates it!

Lauren @ Lot Forty Eight said...

Just found your blog from my kids of yellow and so glad I did! I want a ballad dancer too! I miss it so much!

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