on wearing one's birthday suit

Let's talk about sweat. 

Sweet sweat.

^^^bonus blog points if you can name that movie. 

Back in the ballet days we would sweat a lot. By we, I mean not me. My fellow ballerinas would sweat and their sweat would make the craziest marks on their leotards. My leotard always looked dry and clear. But not my friends'. Nope, their leotards had X-shaped sweat marks in the back, or six pack sweat marks around their abs, and even the ever-so-noticeable under the boob U-shaped sweat marks. Boob sweat, amiright? 

But I had neither boobs nor fun sweat marks. 

Fast forward eleven years and guess what, guys? I sweat now. 

I still don't have boobs, though. Wanh wanh. 

I can hear the thunderous applause--Yay, sweat! Yay, toxins leaving your body! 

But the things is...I don't want to sweat. I don't want to stand up from a nice Sunday brunch and have sweat lines and marks all over my dress. I don't want to look like I wet my pants/dress. I don't want to be sticky all day. 

^^^yes, that was my Sunday.

Texas doesn't care about all those I don't's. Texas doesn't care that you feel like you are dying when you are outside. Texas doesn't care if you hide in the shade, because you will still feel like you are dying. Texas doesn't care that it's only June 10. Texas doesn't care that come mid-August you really will be dead from the heat. 

I can take all the humidity in the world, but the heat...it's hot. No joke. 

So I've compiled four sure-fire ways to survive the Texas heat.

one

Always be within a five foot radius of a pool. Always. Can your bathing suit bottom double as a diaper because you are not leaving this pool's side. I suggest packing snacks, but you should make sure your location also has grills within the required five foot radius. But don't stand too close to the grills because guess what? They're hot, too. <<life lessons from Emily. You're welcome. You are going to sleep, eat, breathe, and survive here until the cooler 80 degree temperatures come. 

two

Carry around something with which to wipe your face. I'm not talking about a cute lil' hanky. I'm talking about a full length, heavy duty towel (or two). Because your face will drench the towel after a few hours. Because your face will literally be dripping in sweat. Dripping in sweat. Have you heard that expression? Yes? I bet it derived here in the hot as h*ll lands of Texas. 

three

Liquids. Drink them. I'm not even going to give a spiel about water because I want you drinking anything that is liquid. That pool water you're living by? Drink it. That condensation on your cup of an actual drink? Lick it off. Get that water. Leftover beers from the party at your new home pool party. Drink it all. You'll be sweating out all the bad stuff so who even cares. Drink. It. All. 

four

Forget clothes. Maybe even forget bathing suits. Heck, spend your time in your birthday suit! Trust me, you might even want to rip off your birthday suit after some time in the sun. There is no cooling down. There is definitely no options for clothes that will cool you down. You will be hot in everything you wear. So forego wearing anything! You came into this world in your birthday suit so you should definitely survive the long, hot summers in your birthday suit and your birthday suit only. 

Obviously I say all most of this in jest. As in, I won't be drinking pool water...yet. And I probably will be wearing clothes this summer. Wink. But serious moment now: 

how do you survive the summer heat?