on crying

I cried at my parent's house last week.

You see, I do that a lot now. Crying, that is. I also happen to be at my parents house a lot now too, and that's a great thing--it's just the crying thing that I've always thought was not-so-great. While I've dealt with different levels of anxiety and worry throughout life (some warranted and some very unwarranted), I've never been one who cries often. Minus when watching the movie Up, obviously.

So there I was, last week, sitting on the couch down in the den at the Moore house with my brother next to me, and my dad standing across the room from me. My dad had just said something along the lines of, Well, maybe your purpose here is to be a light to others.

I'm with my family who I love beyond words, in my childhood home that is filled to the brim with the best memories, listening to my father say something nice to me and about me, and yet I was crying. Weeping, in fact. I think eventually in the conversation my father got teary, too. That's the thing--the week prior to this I somehow acquired the talent of A) crying often and B) making those around me cry with me. I cried with my parents, my siblings, my husband, and several of my close friends just in the span on several days. But why? Why, when I've got a supportive family/uplifting husband/hilarious friends/roof-over-my-head/more than I could ever want or need in life, do I feel the need to get weepy so often lately?

That question ^^ of Why? is just one of many questions floating around in my head lately. Much like my newly acquired talent of crying, I seemed to have also acquired a talent of questioning things. Everything. Big or small. Doesn't matter, if it's an ideology or a thought or even a fact, I will question it.

This is a story for which I don't really know where to start because I'm not really sure where the beginning is. If we're getting really introspective, which is oh-so-fun, then this story could start all the way at the beginning of time! Whether you believe that that is from day 1 of God creating the world, or if you believe there was a bang and now we're here into existence, my biggest question(s) right now is WHY are we here? Why are we on Earth? What are we doing here? What's the purpose? Why do we have to suffer here?

For purposes of a semi-readable blog post that doesn't take five hours to get through, let's have the beginning of the story be the beginning of this year, 2018. 2018 started with deaths and funerals, a lot of them. There was a span of time at the beginning of the year in which three deaths/funerals occurred in two weeks. I vividly remember crumbling into Freddie's shoulder one night saying It's just too much. Too close together. in between gasps of air and get-the-snot-back-up sniffles. Somewhere in that timeframe I wrecked our brand new car and Freddie got pretty sick, but you see, it's not really anything through which I'm personally going that brings me to this current weepy/questioning stage (although, come on Baby Weiss. We all want you here one day.)--it's watching those who I absolutely love and adore have to learn to live with and through grief while all I can really do is watch and learn from them.

It's not understanding why these great people have to deal with terrible things. Seriously, I have the greatest people in my life, and what has happened to them just isn't...fair.

It's not knowing the right thing to say to comfort others in their time of need.

It's not wanting to accept that maybe my timeline for life isn't the right timeline.

But you know what else happened at the beginning of 2018? One of my best friends had her baby. Her most precious baby who knows just when a smile needs to be broken out. Then another friend had another precious, perfect baby. Then I had several amazing job opportunities come up. Then Freddie and I got to take a trip to one of our favorite places, and spend time with yet another wonderful friend. There's been so much good in this year. Dare I say, the good has outnumbered the sad. I've asked/sobbed about all these Why, Why, Why questions a lot to people this year, and I've gotten some really wonderful answers.

Which leads me to now. To today. I've spent the last month really trying to get out of this poor me/poor you/woe-is-us mentality, and get into a healthy mindset of gratitude, service, and proactive changes. I've tried to reach out more to friends, and let them know what badasses they are. I've tried to listen more, even when it's to Freddie explaining some work thing to me in which I understand every third word. I've tried to show my love and appreciation to every single person in my life because Heaven forbid anyone in my life not know how grateful I am for and to them. I've tried to stop getting caught up in myself and my minuscule problems, and instead get caught up in others. Shout-out to the moment in time in which I deleted Facebook off of my phone. #noregrets and my cleaned out house and hand-lettering practice book are thankful to that moment. 

And you know what? I think I'm slowly starting to realize that it's okay that I'll never get one, tried-and-true answer to all my Why?! questions. Because through all of the uncertainties that the past year has brought, I've found the greatest certainties of all.

It's bursting with pride at my friends and their grace as they deal through unending grief.

It's listening to my husband share his story of losing his mother in an attempt to help heal others' wounds.

It's opening my mind and heart and emotions, and receiving so much more in return through friends and families being willing to be vulnerable and share their stories of struggle.

I am certain that the relationships I have in my life, and the people with whom I get to share all experiences, good and bad, are reasons enough for being here on Earth. And maybe I will keep crying until the end of my time here, but I promise the tears will be happy tears that I get to know and share my life with so many strong, courageous people. I get to!

Be a light to someone. Touch the lives of others, and make a difference in this world.

Do it.